I Lost My Dolly Today

Today was just a day.  It's been a tough week, and so when friends asked if we wanted to have a park weenie roast we readily agreed.  The park was full so we met at our house, which was just as fun.  

But back to the subject at hand...

We needed a few things for the roast so I voted myself the one to run to the store.  I specifically waited for Ameliya to wake up from nap so she could go along with me -- just she and I.  We had such a good time.  She walked beside me, loading the items we needed - being Mama's shadow helper.  She chattered, and then helped unload our items onto the belt when it was time to pay.  When we left, she wanted to carry a bag so I gave her one and she carried/drug it to the van.  I held her sweet chubby little hand all the way to the van door.  I opened the door, still holding her hand and then let go briefly to carefully put in the bags I had in the other hand without crushing the chips and buns.  

I let go briefly.  She was right there.  I was talking to her the whole time. She was right beside my leg.  Two seconds.  Maybe.  I turned to pick her up, telling her what a good girl she was to help mama.  She was gone.  Gone.  I didn't panic.  It'd been two seconds.  She was right there, surely had walked around to my other leg.  I turned a circle.  I scanned up the van, down the van.  I ran behind the van.  No Dolly.  I yelled her name.  "Ameliya!"  I ran to the front of the van, where it was parked against the sidewalk.  "Ameliya!"  She was right there.  She had to be there.  I ran back behind the van and fully scanned the parking lot.  "Ameliya!"  I screamed.  She was right there.  Ten seconds.  Ten seconds had to have passed.  Imagine it...

One Mississippi...

Two Mississippi...

Three Mississippi...

Four Mississippi...

Five Mississippi...

Six Mississippi...

Seven Mississippi...

Eight Mississippi...

Nine Mississippi...

Ten Mississippi...

My baby.  The stories I'd read of sex traffickers stealing baby girls...of kidnappings...of the horrors that is now the world we live in...they all rolled through my mind in those seconds.  

  

When I ran back behind the van the second time, screaming her name, a man called out.  "She's here," he said.  He was parked beside me on the passenger side.  Immediately realizing my error I ran fully around the van.  I'd gone to the front and the back but not around.  There she was.  By the passenger front bumper.  

I should have spanked her.

I couldn't. 

In all my terror I scooped up her tiny baby body and I squeezed her too tightly.

The man, he'd watched her the whole time.  Not in a creepy way, but in the way of a good person.  He didn't get out and scare her - he rolled down his window, presumably prepared to act if she ran to the parking lot - and he kept his eye on her.  Maybe not enough time had even passed for him to think through what he would do.  I put my hand on his arm.  I thanked him, tears rolling down my face.  

Two seconds.  I'd turned around for two seconds.  We've been working so hard to train her.  I trusted her.  Two seconds that turned into ten seconds while searching.  No time, when you're looking at the clock.  But an eternity.   

I cried all the way home.  I cried when I confessed to my husband.  I cried retyping the scenario just now.

If you need to judge me, go ahead.  I judged myself all evening, replaying what I should have done differently...what could have happened.  However I didn't confess here on my blog for your judgement.  I confessed here to be reminded of my error, of the preciousness of the lives of my children, and of the job with which I am charged when God gifts them to me.  If you are able to swallow your judgement I invite you to learn from my mistake.  Ten seconds was too long.  Trust me.  

Ameliya Darby, you are precious to us.  Tonight you aged me and I may never be able to laugh about it, but I love you all the same.  Don't ever do it again.