On Postpartum Depression and Other Related Thoughts

I recently read a news clipping about a new mother who took her life after being diagnosed with postpartum depression.  Near to us, a mom of 4 took her life unexpectedly.  All around me I hear people say, "I just don't understand it."  "How selfish."  "I can't even imagine..."

I wish I didn't understand it, but it would be a lie to say I don't.  You cannot imagine loving the people you helped create - that you grew within your very being - with everything inside of you, but at the same time feeling like the world is tearing you apart from the outside in.  You try with everything you are to keep the world at bay, to not let it in, but eventually it breaks through to your inner core - to the place where you have tried to create a protective bubble for you and your kids - and you are powerless to stop it.  It's no one person's fault "out in the world" but it's not your fault either.  You don't want to feel this way but you can't stop it.

You try to be the tough person you were taught to be growing up.  You try to "bounce back" like society expects you to and your husband so desperately needs you to.  You try to be strong for your kids if you can't do it for yourself.

But all around you life is swirling.
Friends pull away.
Family doesn't understand.
Husbands have to go back to work.
Life is supposed to resume to it's regularly scheduled programming.

And so, you cry
-because you're left alone.
-because the baby is growing too fast.
-because you're tired.
-because you can't lift the laundry baskets.
-because your feelings are hurt.
-because your body is broken.
-because every second of every day feels impossibly overwhelming.

but you do that all in private where no one can see you.

To the world
-you smile.
-you go to church with your cute family all in a row in a pew.
-you get dressed and do your hair.
-you are able to let hurts roll off your back.
-you have too much faith to have the postpartum blues.
-you read stories to the children.
-you feed the baby.
-you make breakfast and lunch and do dishes.
-you filter yourself to be appropriate.

I am not suicidal.  Although sometimes I do wish Jesus would just come back because this world seems simply too hard to live in.

But I do understand the mothers who got so backed into a corner that they felt like they couldn't get out any other way.  Although I can't truly imagine leaving my children behind, I do commiserate with feeling too broken and too beaten to feel like you are doing anyone much good.  This mom gig is hard.  The postpartum mom gig is so much harder, even for the ones who look strong on the outside.

For all the moms out there struggling, I encourage you to keep putting one foot in front of the other.  If a foot is too much, just do a toe.  But also, reach out for help.  To your spouse, to your friend or a family member, or a doctor.  And if they brush you off, you reach out again.  You keep reaching until someone reaches back.  It's so easy to feel alone, but remember that we weren't meant to do this life alone.