I Am Tired {Concert + COVID}

Our area has been advertising a free Christian concert on the square on the radio for weeks, and the kids had been asking if we could go check it out.  In my head I didn't figure there would be a huge turn-out, so we agreed.

I was wrong.  The square was flooded with people and 2019 or before Jenn would have been so heart warmed to see such a turn out for a Christian concert.  I am tired of 2020+ Jenn who chokes on her own anxiety when I see crowds of this manner now.  

I am tired.

I am tired of being worried about too many people.

I am tired of keeping my children back from the masses.

I am tired of my faith being made out to seem weak if I worry.

I am tired of my wisdom being made out to seem weak if we live life.  

I won't lie.  After we got there I thought about just giving up and leaving.  Instead we walked away from the crowd and put our chairs in the back, and then later moved farther back.  But then we were so far back that it was hard to experience the concert.  

Our view.  Back by ourselves.

I am tired.

I broke down in tears shortly after we got there.

"Mama, look at dat." 

Bounce houses.  Free activities.  Crowds.

"I see that, kids.  Isn't it so fun to look at?  We're not going to do those today."

Will I ever again sit back in my chair, let my children run free in big groups, jump in bounce houses overflowing?  Evie's never experienced anything like our other children had at her age.  

Do I think the pandemic is political?  Oh definitely.  It's gotten political.  Does that negate that the virus is real?  Not from what I see of those who are sick.  Not from what I hear from my family in healthcare.  

We stayed.  And we were blessed by the music we heard from Jordan St. Cyr and I Am They.  

My heart needed the music.  My heart needed the message.  But I still cried in the shower.  

I asked Natalee (who was the most excited to go) what her favorite part of the night was...she said "smelling the food trucks."  Because we tried to check them out, but the lines were so long, the groups so massive.... and I cried some more.  Will I ever feel brave again?